By: Jessica L. Carpenter
In a response to a comment I made out of anger, frustration, and pain: “I am just going to live my life.” Holy Spirit’s response to me was “If you live your life the way you want to live it, you will just be existing not living.”
I have cried so many tears. And I have wept many days and nights in grief and sorrow. I have looked back many times at what was lost and what will not be. And each time I remember what I do not have I am quickly reminded of what I do have- I am still whole and most of all the Lion of Judah has guarded EVERY door to my heart with undeniable fierce love.
I have forgotten how tenacious I use to be, I was born fighting, tenaciously I might add. Through God my Father, I defied every word and judgement spoken over me. I lived when they said I would die, and I am everything they said I would not be. I, as so many people are, a walking, living, breathing miracle. Why did I stop fighting?
I was born to fight. I fight for my life now, it’s time for me to fight for my destiny to dream again. I cannot continue to allow my dreams and hopes to die because of disappointments- life happens but it doesn’t have to end. It doesn’t end now because I have not fulfilled my destiny, I have so much left in me to do.
Selfishly, more times than I would like to admit, I have wanted to resign and quit, but I am not a quitter. I am a fighter, a warrior. To take lightly all those that will be affected by my testimony, my obedience, my life is beyond words. I fight not to be seen but to take hold and dream again. I desire to live a life that is abundant not stagnant.
Lord Jesus, reignite and awaken within me all those dreams that I have willingly allowed the enemy to stifle, trample, and destroy. Heal me Lord Jesus and set me free! Deliver me! To love again, to dream and most of all to complete trust in you, not partially because my own strength will never be enough. If I am ever going to believe and see every promise you have spoken fulfilled, I must put ALL of my trust in you. Lord, I hold on to your word, you are not a man that you should not lie. I believe your words, your words and not my own. You keep your promises they are never just idle words.
Thank you, Father, thank you that despite all of my emotions that you will still honor your word. You are forever faithful. From eternity into time you sang over me, danced over me, spoke over me and you have always loved me. And from time into eternity I will rejoice in you. In you I have overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony. (Rev 12:11) The God of the old covenant is still the God of the new covenant you never changed- I did.
How is that your never tire, never grow restless with mankind? We wrestle, strive, contend, plot and plan yet we still search and it is never enough. To become a “god” to one’s self is still never enough we are limited, but you Lord are limitless. You live in eternity watching us unravel, run, grovel only still to waste more time. Remove the scales and give us clarity. Before I go any further, I bow my knees and repent of unbelief, anger, selfishness and doubt. Let truth stand before me so that I do not close my eyes or run from it.
My Savior King, no one can replace you. I love you Lord, hold me close even now. In you there is always life and not death, light and not darkness. Where my heart has grown cold give me a heart of flesh again. Where there are dry bones reconnect every bone into its proper place and order. Cover them with flesh and breathe your breath of life. Lord, I want to walk with purpose again. I desire to dream again and I look to you for direction. Let hope arise. To you O’ King you are forever Faithful and True. (Rev 19:11)